I've done so many stupid thing this weekend. I've constantly been "high" on travel sickness pills. Been drunk, abused my medicine, mixed vodka, sobril and valium, ehh... been cutting pretty much, I also threaten my mum with suicide. I told her that I will kill my self, I will drive into a mountain on the highway.

I really really want to, but I'm so afraid that it will hurt. I'm afraid of everything. I don't want to live but I'm too cowardly to actually commit this stupid suicide.

*screaming*

I just can't stand this anymore. I'm fat, depressed and so tired of my fucking life!

I long to die. Every night I pray for that I wont wake up next morning, but I always do. So instead I binge, puke and cut myself...

I just can't take this anymore. I need help, and I know I'm sick... but I know that a therapist can't heal me, I know it. I know it. I've been in treatment for 6 years and my doc tells me I'm a chronic. Everyone has given up on me. If I'm a chronic that means I never can be healthy... then why can't they just kill me, because then I'm not a burden for this society

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003